In an effort to post more, I’ve decided to create a series sharing my deepest, most unhinged thoughts straight from the most private corner of my phone: the Notes app. Over the years, I’ve jotted down everything from bad date recaps to post-breakup reflections, plus a few random thoughts sparked by conversations with friends. It’s crazy, it’s deeply personal, and it’s me at my most honest. Welcome to my Notes App.
Remember the night I walked to your house listening to Lady Gaga, and I asked, “Have you ever heard Summer Boy? That’s you.” I didn’t know it would be hard to get over someone I didn’t think there could be a future with. This all started out of our control—neither of us thinking it would blossom into a friendship or more. Explains how it fell apart as quickly as it came together.
I miss you, but I don’t think I’m allowed to say that. I don’t know if you’re trying to protect my feelings or your own. I try to put my ego aside, but you continue to disappoint me. When I asked for space, you gave me distance. I thought there could be more give in our rope.
I wouldn’t say seeing you is hard. It just makes me miss what we had, and I don’t know if we can have that again. I don’t know what being friends with you looks like, but it feels half-full.
Suddenly, all of my thoughts are gone. It’s interesting—seeing you—and I get so confused. When I’m away from you, I feel the clarity in our choice. But hearing you talk about dating, seeing other people, and seeking genuine connection unsettles me a bit. I don’t know how you feel when you hear me say I cried over someone. I wonder if it hurts you as much.
Maybe I should just ask you. But you’ve got so much going on, and I see things that will never change—things I know I don’t want to deal with in the long run. It’s sad that there are aspects we’re finally aligned on, but we’ve crossed that bridge. I don’t think we can ever go back. I’m not sure I want to.
But I can’t not have you in my life. Even when it makes me feel so insufficient.